Russiahhh Satire (by Rachel Mad)

The Dakotas are suffering a negative 50 degrees right now. How did this happen? Well, Russia, of course. Oh, and don’t blame the fires in California on Climate Change! Naturally, they were caused by Russia!

And the refugee caravans from the South didn’t result from U.S. interference in Latin America on behalf of fruit and oil companies to which our politicians are beholden. No, it wasn’t American-sponsored Contra death squads who ruined those countries, financed by CIA drug trafficking and the Iran-Contra arms deals the Reagan administration secretly ran. Nor does it have anything to do with immigrants thrown into brutal American prisons where they could only survive if they ganged up, thus forming MS-13, and when we deported them back to their homelands they brought the brutal gang culture with them upturning the their native countries. No, it was Russia, of course. Same goes for undocumented immigrants seeking jobs wherever they can get them. American employers who illegally employ them have nothing whatsoever to do with undocumented immigration. No, it’s Russia!

And those countless millions of jobs sold to China, Mexico, the Philippines, Thailand, Vietnam, and other cheap labor places… that wasn’t done by our American corporate CEOs who have the exclusive power to make such decisions. No, it was Russia! Same goes for the repeal of pensions and healthcare benefits and our rapacious for-profit healthcare industry. And all the jobs lost to automation… the force behind that is Russia! Haven’t you seen Russians smuggle robot technologies into our country where we can’t do any research or engineering ourselves, except for that one historic fluke of the Apollo Program?

Unfair taxes that have the rich pay much lower percentages in taxes than working people, or tax bills in Congress which even further reduce the taxes on the rich and then use the deficit this creates as an excuse to cut public spending… well that’s a Russian oligarchy recipe, of course. Gouging the middle class and the poor is so not American. Our country has never seen robber barons or any form of slavery before. No, it’s all Russia!

And when the Bush-Cheney regime lied to us to justify our invasion and occupation of Iraq in an eager corporate conquest for its oil and also to further enrich Cheney’s company Halliburton, the real reason was Russia. And when Bill Clinton crippled – practically eliminated – our New Deal’s welfare program for the desperate poor; and when he started another corporate raiding war in Europe; and when he repealed the Glass-Steagall Act, thus ushering in the Great Recession and the Bush-Obama bail-out of the criminal banksters with our tax dollars, this was of course all orchestrated by Russia!

And when the Bush-Cheney regime usurped the White House twice by employing massive domestic election theft, followed up with torture programs, mass surveillance, and the elimination of our Bill of Rights which now only exists on paper; or when the people’s choice of a president in 2016 (Bernie Sanders) was removed from the ballots by the “Democratic” Party’s rigging of its own primaries, the power behind it were some tweets or Facebook post from Russia! And, yes, Russia must also have been behind the leak of the DNC emails which revealed the rigging. How can Russia dare to let us know the truth? What a horrible crime! Come on, get up everybody, let’s make war on Russiahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Note: This piece was contributed to this blog (as you, too, can) by famous journalist Russia Mad who gets paid $30,000 each day to supply the American public with … uhm… uh… *cough* *cough* ‘trUth’.


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